|Scared and anxious
||[Oct. 3rd, 2013|04:23 pm]
I am very anxious and scared.
Problem is I don't know what or why I'm scared off or anxious about.
My head is probably used to dealing with problems all the time that even if everything is calm I start to panic.
This mode forces me to just sleep so I'll not worry but even in sleeping I dream vividly of what I think is going to happen.
My dreams are often me struggling with someone or something. The feeling of always falling. But on good times I always had the power of flying.
||[Feb. 7th, 2013|10:34 am]
Today is the start of a commitment that will be forever.|
||[Dec. 2nd, 2011|01:26 am]
December 1, 2011|
It is December already.
A month that I hate and love.
A couple of weeks and I’d be hitting the big 30 and a week after it would be Christmas.
I am pretty sure that I’ll be depressed more than the usual dose of sadness that I normally have.
Lately waking up and trying to finish the last few weeks of school is a struggle.
I was use to being alone before, I decided to leave on my own but this time due to circumstances that I have created and what I have been dealt with, I had to leave.
I have outgrown that phase where you sulk, you try to find who you are.
Having friends and family nearby or having relationships made me a better person.
Now I find it difficult to have any.
I am afraid that my exile would make me a bitter person when it is over.
Maybe I should go back to my solitude phase, contemplate what ever it is I am facing.
||[Nov. 21st, 2011|11:57 pm]
November 21, 2011|
I’m stuck again.
I am the great procrastinator. I keep on making a list of what I want to write about and it’s getting longer everyday and I am not doing anything. I know I have a lot of time in my hands but making my journal my priority is hard to do, even with all the gadgets to make it easier.
I would prefer to write on paper but my handwriting is so small I can’t read it or much worse I write like a doctor.
I still like the feel when I am typing, the sound the keyboard makes while I type, I won’t get that satisfaction from my blackberry.
It is when I’m waiting for the bus or the train or when I’m really doing nothing that my mind gets into thinking.
Episodes in my head where I make up an alternate world, my what ifs or thoughts to ponder.
A week since I last posted.
||[Nov. 14th, 2011|08:43 pm]
November 14, 2011 |
I need to start again. I will start and call it page one. Thinking of a blog title has made it difficult for me to post what I write and there is no single day that I don’t write on my phone or on my usb about what I think about life or what is happening with me or what I think will happen in my future or what happened in the past to bring me where I am now.
I still have a stockpile of blog titles that I want to write about. I normally put the dates when I thought of the title to help me remember to describe in detail why I wanted to write about it.
So I will start with number one today, it is not really my beginning since I will be turning 30 in a month. I won’t write a preface for my book, I’m hoping someday someone or maybe a few would write it for me when I’m gone. I don’t want to be consumed as well about always being grammatically correct, someone can proof read this, ahem in the near future.
I like to think that this journal will be just like a kid, growing everyday, learning new things and experiences and making mistakes, wanting to explore the world. I wanted to make another journal, to be anonymous again. I know a lot of people who already know that I write this journal and I am mindful of how others would react if I write certain topics that might be a surprise for them when they read it, that I think or even have the time to ponder about such taboo topics but what the heck and what the fuck should I really care about what they think?!? I can always say that this is a work of fiction and not necessarily a biography.
And on that note I end page one.
|one armed bandit 4.14.11
||[Apr. 15th, 2011|12:17 pm]
so i got carpal tunnel syndrome.|
right hand is of no use.
you can't really take things for granted.
i am a righty and now have to be a lefty.
need to rest my right hand or may be use a voice-software.
||[Apr. 12th, 2011|06:28 pm]
i have a feeling i would be back in here again|
i will make it a daily responsibility
to write down my thoughts to unclutter my head
my hawaii beach picture would be a reminder that one day i'll make a living of doing what i really want and passionate about
soon... all will fall into place
|9.27.10 forgiveness and understanding
||[Sep. 27th, 2010|04:58 pm]
i have disappeared|
i disconnected with almost everyone
people i hold dear to me
i admit my mistakes
because of the circumstances i am in
the problems that have risen
i needed to stay away
find solutions and make them work
it has been and it is difficult up to now to find answers
it is more difficult when you are down and you lose the trust of the people you love
i am asking for forgiveness and understanding to those who i hold dear
whom i have ignored
that in due time all will be repaid
i am hoping that relationships will be mended
if only i could turn back time
||[Nov. 11th, 2009|12:40 am]
I haven’t written for a long time. I have a list of blogs or thoughts in my head that I have already started but have to finish before I post.|
I am in a hyper mode. So many thought bubbles in my head about this topic that I need to write it down and tell my views about it to whoever reads my so called journals.
Distance is the space between to people or two objects. How do we measure it? Kilometers, miles, meters, inches, nanometers? That would be easy to answer. Let me rephrase the question to, how do we measure the distance between two people who are in a relationship? As they have said love knows no boundary.
I’m the jaded guy. I don’t believe in long distance relationships no matter if there are success stories. I especially can’t comprehend how two people can start or be in a relationship with just emailing, chatting, yming, skyping or even web to web cam daily. Two people should meet in person nothing beats that. I can not express or even tell how I feel for someone when I haven’t even met the person. I don’t believe in short lived romances or one week relationships. Even if they say it’s all quality time or love at first sight, I call it lust.
Going back to the distance, does distance gives us the “I’m free to do what ever card even if I’m in a relationship?” Do we make it that convenient to fool around when we are away from our partners? Boys and girls it doesn’t matter, let us not be hypocritical and say you haven’t thought of doing it to the hot guy or hot girl next to you! We are being broad in our definition of cheating, even if you haven’t actually done the deed but thought of it that’s still cheating, I think they call it emotional cheating nowadays.
I am not the relationship master, I’ve been in a few relationships so I only write things base on what I’ve experienced and seen around through my friend’s relationships. I may not know the entire story but we are using the word assume to make my point.
When one is separated by a great distance from one’s partner, can the partner who leaves or stays, play around? Don’t give me the open relationship excuse, if it’s open then it’s not a relationship. Do we just make ourselves believe that my partner would be faithful and at the same time think that I don’t mind if he or she plays around, but it does hurt if they actually do play around. I’m the more practical guy so I’ll choose the latter thinking.
What do we call the person who gets involved with that someone who has a partner far away? Do we call him or her the deal breaker or the devil? Depends on what side of the coin you are in. When all the facts have been laid out and still that person decides to have his or her happiness with that meandering partner and they seem to be happy together. Couldn’t we be happy for them as well? Or at the back of our heads, we think wait a minute how about the other person far away, isn’t he or she going to be hurt when things are found out? Most of us would just shut up. It’s their problem not ours. As they say everything is fair in love and war.
Fleeting happiness is what I call it, even bliss. There is a time limit and that is what's going to bring you crashing down. Enjoy it while it lasts. I may be the mercury drug guy but I don’t have a pill to give you that kind of happiness or to make you forget that kind of happiness.
How far will you and I be?
||[May. 7th, 2009|03:50 am]
I feel like being a writer there are so many topics in my head. Thoughts that I have always wanted to think more about. Express what I feel by writing it and getting a response.|
Maybe this is another way for me to deal with stress. Another way of unloading the burdens that keeps me up. Topics that come out of nowhere while watching TV, cooking, reading, just sitting or while in the bathroom they pop out.
If I could only make a living out of writing what’s on my head, I’d probably be rich. As long as there is someone to proof read it, there might be a slight chance. I am now even thinking of a pen name or maybe writing a non fiction book but very much based on the life that I have lived and living. But if I’m still living then it should not really be printed it should continually evolve so best solution would be put it online. Do I really want to remain anonymous probably not who doesn’t want fame and fortune but given that my delusion of me actually being read by a thousand or millions of readers online fascinates me. They always say that nothing wrong in dreaming.
Then again it’s not about me being anonymous but its about the people who live around my bubble that I am worried about. Assuming that people begin to read what I write and they personally know me, they would have an idea as to who I am talking about or figure out the experience that I just told everyone.
Everyone thinks of their lives as some what boring or simple. I hate using the word simple. Some may even think that their lives are worth being read about or shown on TV. I feel both most of the time. I think I even have the plots and twists that can last a telenovela script.
I am basically procrastinating. There are more important things to do, more practical, income generating things that I should concentrate on but what’s the point of doing them if these other thoughts are the ones that scream hey let me out first?
I know that I don’t have any creative outlet, I have accepted that fact. I can appreciate anything about art, movies and music, plays, museum, operas. I marvel at people who make a living out of the inherent talent that they have because I can never sing or dance or play an instrument or make a painting or sculpt, I can not even make a poem but I can write, I can express how I feel as bland and boring it may be to some.
As I am writing this, more topics are popping out. I can probably make my hands feel numb by typing everything down. The sane is part in me is saying stop it’s already 4am you are eating squidballs and kikiam, instant noodles with a lot of stuff you wouldn’t even think of putting in and melon milk. It’s time to be productive. Do some work and sleep. Hope that when sun rises and you had your short nap, problems would have solutions, it won’t be raining, it will be a sunny day, and you will stay positive and happy the whole day and the monsteR would be at peace for the meantime.